Sue Corps
by Miss Instant Noodles
Summary: How do Mary Sues become Mary Sues? Why, with the help of Sue Corps, of course! Ellie and Carter Trotter, squabbling sibling duo extraordinaire, run the Harry Potter fandom's Sue Corps shop. They soon find themselves hunted down by the Canon Protection Agency, members of a strange investigation bureau, and even characters of Harry Potter out for revenge ...
1. Chapter 1

**~ SUE CORPS ~ **

**1**

* * *

***Notes:**

**Before you start reading this story, BE WARNED! This is not about Harry or James or Albus or anyone in the fandom really, but simply takes place in the Harry Potter universe. It MAY include Harry Potter characters, but will NOT be about them.**

**In this story, all fandoms and realities coexist in a gigantic space called the Multiverse, where Mary Sues are created and trained in Academies and buy all their beauty-enhancing, Sue-making products from Sue Corporations. Combating against the terrible Sue Corps are two groups: the Canon Protection Agency (CPA) and the Anti-Sue Criminal Investigation Bureau (ASCIB). This story is about ORIGINAL characters from these three businesses living amongst the Harry Potter world: some help Sues, some destroy them.**

* * *

She was like a siren to Draco, silently beckoning for him to come hither. She had gorgeous, chocolate-brown locks that hung down to her waist, and eyes that seemed to flash blue-green and gold in the afternoon light.

Draco Malfoy briefly wondered what he was doing here. He was seventeen, which meant he should have been at Hogwarts right now, forced to watch as the Carrows tortured students as lessons. He should have been in those classes, laughing with the other Slytherins, not because he found it funny, but because he was terrified they would do the same to him.

But the mystery angel batted her superhuman long eyelashes at him, and all thoughts of canon flew out the window.

Draco made his way towards her—they were standing in what looked to be like a muggle park, with a sparkling blue pond and bright-green grass (where did that come from anyway? Who cares). She shifted a little, and her pure white dress seemed to glitter with a mirage of colours.

"What's your name?" Draco whispered, mesmerized by her eyes and beautiful smile. Her lips were so pink and plush … he would love to kiss them …

_Wait a second, Draco! You've only met her for two minutes! What are you thinking?_

The girl giggled softly, and when she spoke, it was like a whole chorus of angels. "My name is Tatianna Son Dello-von Vlach. It is a pleasure to meet you, mister …?"

"M-Malfoy," Draco immediately stammered out, feeling his ears turn a bit red. "D-Draco Malfoy, my l-lady." She blushed at that and giggled again, leaving Draco very pleased with himself. He risked embarrassment to say one more thing:

"Miss Tatianna—"

"Please, call me Tia," she said, batting her eyelashes once more.

"T-Tia, then …" Draco felt his face grow hot. "If I may … what business do you have here? There's a war going on …"

_For that matter, why am I in this strange muggle park? I'm supposed to be in Hogwarts! Why—_

"Hogwarts has burned to the ground," Tia said, and Draco immediately nodded, unable to look away from her as a rush of memories of a burning castle filled his senses. _That's right, Hogwarts burned … did it? It must have …_

"I tried to save everyone, but alas, two perished in the fire," Tia's eyes filled with tears, and Draco felt instant sympathy for her. "I should have been there sooner. Only, I was busy trying to help Harry Potter and his friends find the last of the Horcruxes—they were so lost without me, you see—and ermagawd like u had 2 b there!11!1"

Draco blinked, startled. He might have been mistaken, but he was certain that, for a moment there, Tia's voice changed from a sultry, angelic whisper to a loud, American-accented, obnoxiously annoying 14-year-old's. "Excuse me?"

Tia turned pale, as all blood rushed from her rosy cheeks. "Er, I mean … like, soooo annoyin u no? Wait like thats not wwhat i mean—gimme 1 sec—uh, like ur so hawt!1111!11"

She squeaked, and dashed off with a quick, longing "Like see u latter drako!111111"

She reached for something hanging around her slender swan neck and yanked out what appeared to be a … Time Turner? Was Draco seeing this right? No, instead of an hourglass, it appeared to be a small circular mirror.

Peering directly into it, Tia twisted it once and vanished into thin air, leaving behind only a slight shimmer of Twilight-esque sparkles and the faint smell of rose-scented body shampoo.

It took Draco a few minutes to free himself from the strange magic. Once he was back to normal, he realized what overcame him and his face contorted with disgust. "Ugh. Mary Sue."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wand. Drawing a glittering square shape in the air in front of him, he muttered a little spell and a head popped up, two-dimensional and glitching slightly. The head was in the form of a woman with hair perfectly tied up in a bun and a Bluetooth clipped to her ear.

"Draco Malfoy, is it? From the Harry Potter Canonspace?" She peered at him a bit closer and moved her eyes to the bottom left of the box, evidently looking at all his canon information in a separate window. "Can the Canon Protection Agency help you with anything?"

"Yes you can," Draco spat out irritably. "Another Sue broke in! This is the second time it's happened to me this week! I swear, if you useless muggles don't fix the Fabric Hole soon, my father will—"

"We don't care what your father will do, Malfoy," the lady snapped back. "You obviously don't know how hard it is for us _muggles_ to locate and close a Hole in the Fabric of Canon, do you? Look, we'll send an Agent in to check things out, but if you want us to seriously help you, you need to get off your lazy arse and actually fill out a report for us."

Draco looked torn between the idea of filling up reports for his countless Sue attacks and letting the Sues continue messing with his head. Finally, he sighed. "Whatever. Just send me back to the Timeline, will you?"

"Yes, sir," came the terse reply. Draco flicked his wand and the box disappeared. He closed his eyes as the scenery around him began to rip and twist and fade away. By the time he opened his eyes, he was back in Hogwarts, in the original timeline set out for the Harry Potter Canonspace.

At least, for now.

_But seriously,_ Draco thought angrily to himself, as he made his way to the Slytherin dorms. _Why does it take the CPA so bloody long to finish a few stupid Sues? I mean, it's not like the Sues get any help …_

* * *

The Mary Sue known as Tatianna Son Dello-von Vlach appeared on the porch of a strange, old-looking shop, floating around on the very edge of the Harry Potter Canonspace. Tia sniffed, her tears shimmering as they slid down her cheeks. Oh, how she wished she could curl up in her puffy, pink-and-cream-coloured dream room and cry and write angsty, heartbreaking prose … but that was for another day.

She burst through the door (it chimed softly), and the inside of the shop fared slightly better than the outside appeal. It was still old and smelled slightly of wet wood and mould, but there were shelves upon shelves of strange jars and little boxes, multicoloured bottles and vibrant sweets, mysterious amulets and old-fashioned jewelry. Above all, it appeared to be empty.

Tia bit her lip in an irresistible, yet standard Sue way, just like she was taught at the Academy when she was created. She was just about to risk speaking again when she heard someone call out irritably, "Just a god-damned minute! I'm up to my arse and non-existent balls in mail orders here!"

A girl, around eighteen, appeared through a doorway behind the counter. Tia wasn't much for details (after all, why pay attention to anyone else when you could stare at your own ethereal looks in a mirror all day?), but she couldn't help but notice this girl, who was definitely _not_ a Sue—or a hot guy, either. Tia wrinkled her nose.

The girl had ugly, reddish-orange hair tied back into a ponytail, and a big nose. She wore a too-tight white T-shirt bearing a large pink-and-green rose, with the letters S and C scrawled on top in elegant black script. The only redeeming feature on her was the gorgeous, sparkly bracelet that hung loosely on her right wrist. It would have looked _so_ much better on Tia's own hand, though.

"My name is Ellie Trotter, welcome to the Sue Corps Harry Potter Division, what can I do for you today, we specialize in all manner of Sue products and potions blah blah blah," the non-Sue girl, Ellie, snapped.

Tia opened her mouth, but couldn't bring herself to speak. A single tear, all the colours of the rainbow, leaked from the corner of her big doe eyes and traveled down her porcelain cheek. She closed her mouth, hoping this made an impression on the human (and therefore, easily enchanted) girl. Ellie was not amused.

"I don't speak rainbow-tears, Sue. You don't appear to have any disfigurements, and your colour-spectrum tear ducts are obviously looking good. What's the issue?"

Pouting, Tia finally spoke.

"like i dont no whut hapened! 1 second i was wit darko and then THIS hapened!" Ellie cringed as the loud, whining voice of a tween girl burst out of this goddess-like lady.

"Well, damn, you must've run out of those cough drops!" Ellie rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to take them three times a day, remember?"

"ya but i kepp forgetting too take dem!" Tia wailed. "THen i ran out!11 whut will dracco think of meeeee?!112"

"Shut your bloody face and take a deep breath," Ellie said, walking down the aisles before stopping at a shelf. She plucked out a small jar and handed it to Tia. "Here, British Beauty Cough Drops. Costs you only two galleons, four sickles, and twenty-four knuts."

Tia stared at her, blinking those ridiculously long, spidery, mascara-coated eyelashes. "like, wut?"

Ellie sighed loudly. Sometimes she really hated her job. "Twenty four dollars and forty-two cents."

Tia nodded brightly at this and immediately handed over the American currency. Ellie grinned at the sight of the money as she placed it almost lovingly in the register. The bills and coins shivered slightly, before replacing themselves with the wizard equivalent with a loud popping noise.

"Thanks for supporting Sue Corps, have a nice day, yadda yadda. Now get out before the CPA get a hold of your scent."

"Scent?" Tia sang, having swallowed an orange creamsicle-flavoured cough drop and returned to having a beautifully tragic, feathery-soft voice. "Oh, goodness, I don't smell, do I?"

"Like a Sue," Ellie said bluntly. "Honestly, don't they teach you that at the Academy? Mary Sues give off a unique scent that make it easier for the Canon Protection Agency to get a hold of you. Then it's off to the Suecinerator for you lot."

Tia shivered. "That's awful!" She then perked up. "What do Sues smell like, then?"

"Like hand sanitizer, vanilla candles, and unicorn droppings."

Tia giggled and waved goodbye with a delicate movement of her wrist before leaving the shop. There was a small flash of light, and the scent of body shampoo wafted in through the mail slot.

"Who was that? A customer?" A tall, broad-shouldered boy walked in. Except for his hair and straighter nose, he looked very similar to Ellie. They had the same face shape and even the same quirk to their mouth. "Oh, darn, looks like I missed it."

"Yeah, right, Carter," Ellie snapped. "Why do I have to deal with the annoying ones all the time?"

"Because you're the youngest," Carter said smugly. "And because the ladies can't get enough of my gorgeous looks."

"Oh, shut up." Ellie glared at her older brother. Just because he had dark brown hair that curled slightly at the tips, the family's trademark deep blue eyes, was rather appealing of face, and just so happened to have an English accent, made Carter Trotter think he was quite the ladies' man.

Unfortunately for Ellie, he was quite right. The Badfic Authors and Mary Sues who frequented their shop couldn't stop staring and drooling over him. Which meant Ellie usually had to deal with them while Carter took refuge and stocked up in the back storage room. Unfair.

The Trotter siblings come from a long line of Sue Corporations workers. Sue Corps was the bane of the Multiverse's existence, producing the products and enchantments Sues and crappy authors need to successfully mesmerize the characters in the different fandoms and be a proper Mary Sue. The Trotters couldn't care less what the entire Multiverse _or_ the Canon Protection Agency thought. They were the rats of the fandom universes and they accepted that happily.

Ellie saw two more flashes of light outside, and someone knocked uncertainly on the door. That could only mean one thing.

"We have Suethors coming in," Ellie called out from behind the counter. "Newbies, from the sound of it."

Carter and Ellie had a standard rule that they ran by in order to tell what kind of customers they'd have to face: veteran buyers and Mary Sues barged in without warning, newbies and Insert-Authors knocked.

The door opened, the little bell chimed, and two girls shuffled in. One had greasy hair, a spotty forehead, and chubby legs. The other was bony, with a crooked nose, square chin, and wiry spectacles.

"Umm, is this, like, for real?" The spotty girl said, nervously clutching her very own mirror necklace.

"I thought it was just a joke," the bony girl added.

"Well, it's not," Ellie said with a sigh, crossing her arms. She forced herself to be patient for the newbies. "Welcome to the Harry Potter Division of the Sue Corps. We provide all sorts of products to create the ultimate Sue for you to enjoy, and … uh … _Carter!_"

Carter came back, and grinned when the two Suethors ogled him. Ellie glared. "Take care of one of them, okay? I can't handle everything on my own."

"Okay, okay, fine, sis." Carter turned to the two customers. "So, uh, can I help one of you?"

"Y-you can help me!" Bony squeaked, elbowing Spots out of the way. Spots shoved back. "I-I need help!"

Carter gave Ellie a sideways look and raised his eyebrows. Ellie scoffed.

"You." She grabbed Spots and yanked her to her side. "I'll help you, problem solved."

Spots frowned in disappointment, but luckily, Ellie found customers were always easily distracted by the wonders in the shop. She looked around, bit her lip, fingered a strand of her greasy hair. "I, um, want to …" She stopped midsentence, looking embarrassed and nervous.

Ellie sighed and forced herself to soften her voice. "Okay, look, nobody's judging you here. You see all this?" She gestured around the shop with her hand. "We made all this for you. Everything you want. We're all here to help. So, tell me honestly, what do you want?"

"I want to be a really beautiful gorgeous girl with an angelic singing voice who's half-veela half-human and gets into a relationship with Sirius Black during the Marauders Era!" She blurted out, before blushing and giggling and burying her face into her hands.

"Self-Insert Sue, huh?" Ellie mused, unable to stop herself from quirking up one eyebrow. Spots flushed. "T-there's nothing wrong with basing your OC on yourself to f-flesh it out and make it real! _It's not a problem!_"

"Bloody he—calm down, I'm on your side!" Ellie sometimes hated how defensive authors were, even though they brought the big bucks. "Okay, have you ever written a fanfic before?"

Spots shook her head nervously. "This is my first time." She giggled at the innuendo, and Ellie rolled her eyes.

"Okay, so follow my lead. First, we need a bone structure enhancer to get you taller—"

"Whoa, wait, what?" Spots took a step backwards, swallowing. "T-that sounds painful, I'm not taking anything that'll change my _bones_ …"

"You are if you want to look gorgeous," Ellie said simply, grabbing her soft arm and dragging her down an aisle. She searched through the jars stacked up and picked out a soft coral pink jar in the shape of a seashell. "See this, chubby?"

"Uhh, yes?"

"This is Slenderlady, currently our most popular bone structure enhancer in shelves. It is guaranteed to make you five foot six, as slender as a willow tree, with curves in 'all the right places', so to speak—"

"Oh my god, I want that!" Spots shrieked, grabbing it with her fleshy fingers. Ellie choked back an irritated "Rude" and simply said, "Just unscrew the tip and drink it all. Try to get it all down in one gulp, it works better that way. Less painful."

Spots had already drunk the entire thing before Ellie finished her sentence. She coughed and gasped, "Less _painful_?"

Her words were cut off by a groan, and Ellie stepped back slightly as she bent double and vomited all over the floor. The sickening sight was accompanied by tiny snapping noises as her bones began to restructure themselves. By the time Spots stood up straight (albeit looking rather green), she was an inch taller than Ellie, with perfect proportions, a thin waist, curvy hips, and deliciously long legs.

"Oh my god, I … I … my legs … I …" Spots seemed at a loss for words. "Look at my _boobs_!"

"Yes, an ample bosom comes with the package," Ellie said, wrinkling her nose at the vomit. "We can clean that up later. No pain, no gain, is the saying on earth, I believe?"

"Uh, yeah … what do you mean, 'earth'? Don't you live there? You're not, like, a Harry Potter character, are you?" Spots stared at her, or rather, her hair, then gasped in horror. "Oh my god! Are you one of the Weasleys?"

"_No!_" Ellie snarled. "Why does everyone assume I am a Weasley? I am not the only ginger in England, you know!"

"Sorry," Spots muttered, having the decency to look embarrassed. She reached up and felt said acne on her forehead. "Any way to get rid of this, too?"

"Of course. Follow me." Ellie led Spots (who was tottering around on her unfamiliar new legs) to another aisle, where she picked up another jar, this one pure white. She unscrewed the cap and revealed it to be full of powder.

"What's that for, powdering my nose?" Spots snickered at her own lame joke. Ellie took a pinch, blowing it into her face. It expanded into a large cloud of smoke, and when it disappeared, Spots had beautiful, alabaster skin without a single mark. Ellie needed to think up a new nickname for her now that she wasn't all pimply.

"No time to stare," Ellie added as No-Spots opened her mouth to gush over her new skin. Ellie felt the excitement of selling products overcome her, and she yanked her to another aisle, where every single shelf was full of strange potions in every colour imaginable. "Half-veela, you said? Well, that would mean silver hair. Let's see …" She went to a shelf of all different shades of white to silver to light grey. "We have Stunningly Silver, Dark Silver, Shine Bright Like a Diamond Silver, and … Limpid Tears Silver."

"Ooh, Limpid Tears?" No-Spots was looking entranced at the bottle. Limpid had that effect on Suethors and Sues. "Ooh."

"I wouldn't recommend it for your first time," Ellie added. "You need at least two fanfics seniority and a membership to the Sue Corps franchise to get it. Even then, it's a Premium product. Loads more expensive."

No-Spots looked put out, but sighed and said, "Er, alright … Stunningly Silver, then?"

Ellie grabbed the bottle and broke the seal on the lid. "See this?" She held the bottle up at eye level to the Suethor. "These are hair-changing products, and they aren't exactly cheap. If you want to keep your Sue looks running for as long as possible, only use a few drops every month or two. I don't want you running back in two weeks crying for more, we can only get so much shipment from Headquarters at a time."

Ellie carefully poured three drops of the shimmery liquid onto the top of No-Spots head. When each drop hit her hair, it began to glow and spread the silvery colour from the roots down, growing out the hair as it went. When it was finished, No-Spots had bright, ethereal silver locks that hung all the way down to her ankles.

"And don't forget these," Ellie added, going to another aisle and running back with a tiny bottle labeled 'Exquisite Jade'. "Eyedrops. Put them in every day, morning is usually the best. This will make your eye colour pop."

With a careful drop in each eye, No-Spots grew long, thick eyelashes and large doe eyes of a bright sparkly green.

"Oh my GOD!" No-Spots shrieked, staring at herself in a mirror. She couldn't look away, like most Insert-Authors did. "I look AMAZING! I look EXACTLY how I wanted to be! Oh my GOD! But I'm still wearing my boring jeans and sneakers! Aren't there, like, clothes for me to wear?"

Jeez. It was always the same. Once you get them everything they want to make them look pretty, they start getting rude and obnoxious. Ellie loved her job, and she adored Sue Corps and the way it pretty much fucked over the entire Multiverse, but she really hated her customers sometimes. Granted, she hated everybody most of the time.

"Calm down and take this, then." Ellie grabbed a pearl necklace with a single wood sphere and tossed it to No-Spots, who fumbled and almost dropped it. "Work on that balance, by the way," she added, "Unless you want the clumsy factor."

"What's this?" No-Spots asked, placing it over her head. Her fingers brushed against the wooden circle and immediately her clothes were changed into what might resemble a Hogwarts school uniform, except the skirt was at her thighs and the collared shirt was unbuttoned slightly to show her cleavage. Ellie finally provided her with British Beauty cough drops to change her voice, and she was created.

"Sooo cool!" She sang, speaking in modern slang but having the elegant English accent of an Elizabethan princess. "Oh god, I look awesome! I'm gonna call myself Henrietta Rosanne Ty-Lynch, and I'm gonna be the most popular girl in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and—"

"That'll be thirty-five galleons, two sickles, and twenty-seven knuts. Or three hundred and seventy-six dollars."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a second there!" No-Spots—or rather, Henrietta—yelped, waving her delicate hands in the air. "That's ridiculous, I'm not paying three hundred and—"

"Then I will reverse the effects and take all the stuff back." Ellie held out a hand. Henrietta blanched.

"Er, no … that w-wasn't what I was …" she gave a nervous laugh and flashed a winning smile at Ellie. "Of course I will pay … I came prepared, although I was saving that money for … n-no matter."

She quickly handed over the cash, which Ellie placed in the cash register.

"Good on you, Henry, have a nice day now. Remember to take the products in moderation but at the right time, or the effects run out and you become Miss Small-and-Spotty all over again."

"Yes, yes, of course," Henrietta said, shoving all the products into her backpack and clutching it protectively to her chest.

"Thank you for buying Sue Corps, the only available Mary Sue factory in the Multiverse," Carter said with a smile, as what was previously Bony emerged with the same long legs and big breasts as Henrietta, now with golden hair (that went down her shoulders in the ever-popular Cascading Like a Waterfall© style) and bright purple eyes (oh, Ellie corrected herself: eyes a deep violet like the colour of the most pure amethyst).

"I'm Desdemonda von Ricardo Malfoy now," she said smugly to Henrietta, who introduced herself as well.

"How much did you make her pay?" Ellie muttered to her brother with as little mouth movement as possible.

"Four hundred and fifty-two." Carter muttered back, his smile never leaving his face. "Seemed like I could pull it off with my look."

Ellie snickered quietly to herself.

"We'll be going now," Henrietta said, as she and Desdemonda waved goodbye.

"Wait, I almost forgot!" Ellie grabbed their two receipts and handed it to them. "Keep this with you at all times, okay?"

"Why?" Desdemonda wrinkled her pert little nose. "It's just, like, a receipt."

"This receipt dulls your scent so the CPA can't track you down," Ellie said, forcing it into their smooth hands. "You may be authors, but in this form you're every bit a Mary Sue as the next. The Canon Protection Agency will get their dirty paws on you if you aren't careful."

"Whoa, wait, what?" Henrietta shared a nervous glance with her Sue friend. "Nobody ever told me about the CPA thingy …"

"Well, you know now," Ellie said firmly. "But you better be careful. If anything happens that might reveal yourself as a Sue in the Canonspace, this receipt will burn away to dust and you won't have its protection anymore. Then the CPA will be on you in a matter of minutes and it's the Suecinerator for you. So watch your back."

"Wait, how come you didn't tell us about this before?" Desdemonda squealed, her eyes growing wide with fright. "What the hell is the Suecinerator? I don't want to get hunted down!"

"Sorry, folks, have a nice day," Ellie said, shutting the door in their face.

Carter offered a hand for a high-five, which Ellie allowed. "Not bad, sister. We made some pretty good money today."

"Yeah, I'm thinking of heading to the Three Broomsticks for a pint. Want to come along?"

"You know I would."

The Trotter siblings grabbed several handfuls of the wizard money and shoved them into pouches. Then, with smug smiles on their faces, they left the shop knowing it was a good business day.

* * *

"Sebastian Wakeley, you're needed in the top."

The cool female voice of the Head Operator echoed through Sebastian's headset like an inner conscience. A very, very annoying inner conscience. He groaned and ran his fingers through his dark hair, stretching out of his nap.

"Was it for that Sue in the Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom? Because I swear, Henry was the one who screwed up first, and I've always been rubbish at cards—"

"No, Mr. Wakeley, it's not for that. But you're wanted up top all the same."

Sebastian frowned. Normally, a screw-up in the CPA meant you went to your superior officer or Division Head for reporting. The worst mistakes, ones that result in severe damage to a fandom or Canonspace, usually meant you had to answer the Third or Second Division. "How much top are we saying here, Doris?"

"Very top."

"Oh, god." Sebastian covered his eyes with his hand. The headset gave him a headache sometimes. The CPA should really invent better technology; he should recommend that next time their work surveys came around. "You don't mean …"

"Your darling auntie wants to see you, Mr. Wakeley."

"… Thank you, Doris."

Sebastian switched off his headset and left his cubicle; it was technically his 'office', but considering it was just one in several hundred 'offices' on this floor and they were all the size of bathrooms, it made more sense to just call them cubicles.

"I'm wanted up top," Sebastian called to his next-cubicle-neighbour, who was deeply engrossed in the middle of a video game playing out on a tiny, old-fashioned, chunky television propped up on a file cabinet. "I'll let you know if I survive."

His neighbor and friend grunted in reply, glued to the screen.

People passed by him, all wearing the black double-breasted coat uniform. Red, blue and gold bands bearing the letters CPA were strapped to their left arms. Some nodded respectfully to him as he passed by. They were all seventh division Agents, but supposedly Sebastian had 'higher status' due to his lineage.

Just as he exited the mini-office-cubicles to the lobby a tall young woman with long, dirty-blonde hair and bright blue eyes appeared, practically bouncing, and beaming with delight.

"Hey, Seb!" She chirped. "What a coincidence!"

"Hullo, Lisa," Sebastian chuckled nervously, attempting to sidestep the over-bubbly woman. Coincidence? He thought not. Lisa Linford was a true genius when it came to studying Multidust, the mysterious and powerful cosmic energy that connected all the Canonspaces together and then some, but her not-so-subtle advances kind of creeped Sebastian out a little.

"Where you off to? You don't fancy having a cuppa or something, would you?"

"Um, s-sorry Lisa, I'm being called up to the Boss."

Lisa's forget-me-nots widened. "Oh no! Was it for that Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom? Tell her it was Henry's fault!"

"I will, thanks." An elevator arrived and Sebastian hurriedly went in. "Well, I'll be seeing you."

"Catch you later, Seb," Lisa said forlornly. Sebastian felt a little guilty brushing her off like that. She was a nice girl, really. He just wasn't interested in her or even having a romantic relationship of any kind at the moment. And he wasn't even sure if she _really_ liked him, anyway.

It took only a short while for the elevator to reach the top floor—the 1st, to be exact. Technically, it should be the 85th, but in the Canon Protection Agency Headquarters, residing right in the supposedly 'center of the Multiverse', the floors were split according to divisions; which meant that the higher up you went, the lower the numbers went and the higher your status was. Sebastian was in the seventh division, pretty impressive, but not for someone like him. Not his family.

Sebastian Wakeley's family has been in the CPA for as long as he can remember. In fact, when he was a boy, his parents didn't tell him stories of Cinderella and Snow White and Beauty and the Beast. His bedtime stories were of Mary Sues and Gary Stus, a hundred times more foul and terrifying than any _other_ monster. That wouldn't have been so bad, if it wasn't for the fact that Sebastian's family were also superstars in the field.

His father is one of the best CPA Fabric Trackers of the decade, able to spot a rip in the Fabric of Canon with startling accuracy before a Sue could slip in unnoticed. His mother, while too old to continue her Field Agent days, was nonetheless Agent of the Year in 1983 – 1993; a total of ten years, before she got married and had children. His brother, he went down a different road. He joined the Anti-Sue Criminal Investigation Bureau, which caused many frowns and family arguments. In the end, though, he still made his parents proud by being a brilliant Sue Tracker within ASCIB.

Sebastian? He was merely good. Great, even, but never fantastic or extraordinary. Sometimes he even wondered if he was only in the seventh division because of his personal connections. He was easily flustered and could barely control his Rule of Canon weapon properly. Not like his partner, the talented and extremely deadly Agent many within the CPA called 'Deadman' behind his back.

The elevator dinged quietly and the doors slid open, revealing a large, marble-floored room. The secretary ushered Sebastian into the next room, which was even more grand, if possible.

A woman sat in the great mahogany hand-carved desk in the center, sorting through massive stacks of paper. Her face was hidden, but it was obvious from her perfectly straight, long dark hair and curvy figure that she was attractive. A gold-plated plaque was placed at the corner of the desk, bearing the words 'The Boss'.

The leader of the CPA. And that's not all.

Sebastian gulped. "H-hello … auntie."

"Sebastian," The Boss responded. "Sit down."

That wasn't a request, that was an order, and Sebastian knew it. He gingerly perched on the edge of the plush velvet armchair in front of the desk, not daring to move a muscle.

Finally, after several minutes of silence, he couldn't take it any longer. "I-if this is about the Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom incident, I apologize in advance!"

"What? Oh, that. That's not why you're here." The Boss said, not even looking up from her work as she signed something. Relief flowed through Sebastian's entire body. "It's not?"

"No. Harry's an imbecile anyway, and you're rubbish at cards. It was a mistake to send you there in the first place."

Sebastian winced at The Boss' harsh words. He sat in sullen silence as she pulled out a laptop and began to type. He was twenty-one years old, yet he still felt like a little boy around his terrifying and powerful aunt.

He spared a quick side-glance to the side of her desk, where—sure enough—a long, gleaming katana blade leaned against the wood. Sebastian wasn't old enough to join the CPA when she acquired it, but rumours spread that thirteen years ago, The Boss took it as a war trophy after battling a particularly nasty Sue during a weeaboo raid in Lord of the Rings, and kept it ever since. Weapons like those, _real_ weapons, were dangerous, especially if they were hampered by Sue powers.

Besides The Boss, all active Agents in the CPA used Rule of Canon weapons, which were specially developed by the CPA to work against Sues and Stus. They weren't really used in actual violence or physical combat, not if you used Rule of Canon effectively. Sebastian wished he had his own Rule of Canon, Sawed Off Shotgun Form, by his side. But there were certain rules about carrying those within HQ, and he had to leave it in his office.

The Boss printed something out and handed it to him. "Here is a new mission. I want you to have it."

"Harry Potter Canonspace?" Sebastian asked curiously as he read through the mission description. "A sudden influx of Sues?"

"The last movie in the series came out recently," The Boss explained in a matter-of-fact tone. "I expect we'll receive a decrease in Suecreation once the craze dies down. I don't care how easy this mission seems, Sebastian, you tread carefully, alright?"

"Yes, ma'am." Everyone was wary regarding the HP Canonspace, ever since that one idiot slipped up during the My Immortal phase. Those sure were dark days. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way was considered one of the greatest Criminal Sues of the century, and certainly the last. Security tightened up in the CPA, harsher laws were passed, and the fool that messed up was going to regret it for the rest of his life.

"Take your little friend, if you want," The Boss said, returning to her laptop. This was her sign of telling Sebastian to sod off and get out of her office immediately, which Sebastian did happily.

His little friend, as The Boss put it, was Mortem Clarke, otherwise known as 'Deathman'. He was still absorbed in the video game as Sebastian tapped on his door.

"Hey, Mort, we got a job. Mort, come on, mate. We're getting paid for this."

There was silence, followed by a low sigh. Then Mortem paused the game and stood up.

He was tall, thin, and bony, with lanky arms and legs and a neck like a stork. Everyone avoided him in the CPA, except for Sebastian and maybe Lisa. There was just something off about him, they said. The way he looked like a Grim Reaper or a great black crow with his spiky dark hair and uniform. And the fact that no one has ever seen his face. He always wore a creepy mask in the shape of a sad clown face, and not even Sebastian has ever seen him take it off.

Okay, so he was weird. But it was a given that the higher up the divisions you go, the more mentally unstable an Agent will be. Sebastian was surprised he hadn't cracked yet. Besides, Mortem was his friend, no matter what anyone said.

"This better be good, Seb," Mortem complained in his deep, grim voice. "It saddens me, I never finished level ten."

"You'll get a chance later, buddy. Come on, it's the HP Canonspace. I wanna get this done and over with." Actually, what Sebastian wanted was a chance to prove himself and do something more challenging. This mission was so simple, it was laughable. The twenty-seventh division could have done it.

"Where to first?" Mortem asked as they took an elevator to the Gateway Floor.

"Honestly? I kind of fancy a butterbeer. It's been a while since I've had one of those."


	2. Chapter 2

**~ SUE CORPS ~**

**2**

* * *

***Notes:**

**Wow! I never expected people to actually _read_ this! Thank you so much. I'll try my best to answer any questions you may have about this story or the Multiverse in general. Thank you for liking the first chapter, hope you enjoy this one!***

* * *

The two interns were waiting for the Trotter siblings at the Three Broomsticks when they arrived. Ellie had sent them on a little holiday after working them for twenty-nine hours straight when deliveries arrived. When Sue Corps sends stock to the shops, they don't just bring in a little at a time. It's buy-all or go home.

Shane Mawson was only sixteen, and was at the certain growth phase where his arms and legs seemed to have stretched out so awkwardly he wasn't quite sure how to use them yet. Despite his clumsiness and awkward limbs, he was a strong, muscly bloke who was always smiling. Short blonde hair poked out from his head in spiky tufts, and Ellie (despite her general rule to hate everything that existed in the Multiverse) sometimes found it hard to say no to his puppy-dog brown eyes and splatter of freckles that stretched whenever he gave a cheeky grin.

Likewise, Harper Sturgess was also sixteen, but she was small and bony and cool as can please. With her short, chin-length dark hair kept perfectly in place and glasses perched on her nose, she looked every bit a scholar. Ellie could always count on her to know what to do in any situation. In a way, she was a great person to pair up with Shane. Her level-headedness and organized disposition always found a way to counteract perfectly with Shane's bullheaded and careless demeanor.

Ellie was glad Carter found such great interns. Wait, what was she talking about? These interns were fantastic, therefore _she_ must have found them. What a silly idea.

"Hey there, boss!" Shane said cheerfully as they joined them at a table. "We didn't think you would make it!"

"Course we would," Ellie snorted. "I wouldn't miss a butterbeer for the world. Rosmerta!" She then turned to address the pretty barmaid making her way near them. "Can we have two butterbeers here please?"

"Sure thing," Rosmerta said, giving them a quizzical look before heading back to the bar. None of them had bothered to change out of their muggle clothing (although they did, in fact, own witch and wizard robes back at the shop), and despite gaining curious eyes in their direction, nobody seemed to suspect a bunch of muggles were in the Three Broomsticks.

"So," Harper leaned in, dropping her voice so nobody could eavesdrop. "Any words about the CPA? Or ASCIB?"

Ellie shrugged uncaringly. "None so far, thank god. That new book—Twilight, was it?—is raking in serious Sues everywhere. I'm pretty sure the CPA have their hands full with that fandom alone."

Carter snickered. "I was talking with Jane about it the other day, actually. Their store is packed with Sues and Badfic authors day in, day out. Enough to make her go mad."

Ellie shot her brother a sharp look and said, "Since when have you been in contact with Jane Whidfield?"

Carter gave her a knowing look. "We meet up."

"Gross."

Shane was suddenly beaming and bouncing on his chair in excitement. He reminded Ellie of a large child who was waiting to tell an adult something good and get rewarded.

"What is it, Mawson?"

He immediately went off, babbling at top speed. "Okay, so we were here early, right, and we didn't want to just sit here like wankers waiting for you two, so Harper suggests we take a look around Hogsmeade, right, and—oh, thanks, Rosmerta—so I suggested we go to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, because where else should you go, right, so she said yes, and ..." He took a deep breath and pulled up a great bulging bag that had apparently been lying at his feet the entire time.

Ellie took a deep sip of her butterbeer, choked, and recovered her dignity in rapid succession. "Let me see," she said, trying to come across as stern and disapproving, but sounding excited.

Shane immediately relinquished his hold on the bag, while Harper rolled her eyes at their childishness.

Ellie peeked into the bag and gave a low whistle. "Remind me to give you a pay raise. I think I'll make good use of these."

Carter frowned and said, "Ellie, don't you even _think_ of using those on our customers."

"Why not?" said Ellie in a demanding tone. "Those Sues are driving me up the wall! The least you could do, dear brother of mine, is let me have a little fun!"

"I thought you like your job?" Harper asked, frowning in curiosity. Ellie scowled moodily and chose to drink her butterbeer rather than answer.

"She does," Carter explained, looking both amused and tired of his sister's shit at once. "But she was a big Lord of the Rings fan back on Earth, thought she would be living the dream until she got assigned to the HP Canonspace instead."

"I can't believe that bimbo Rosie Whiteworth got the job instead of me," Ellie said, her previous good mood slipping away. "I've been the top of the class in Marketing and Consumerism for years! Not to mention no trainee has _ever_ gotten a letter of recommendation by the Mary Sue Academy before! Rosie and Jason must have done something sneaky ..."

"I remember Jason," Carter mused. "I think I broke his nose once back in Training."

"Why did you break his nose?"

"Hm, no idea. He was probably asking for it, maybe."

Ellie was now muttering darkly at her glass, paying no attention to her brother. "She can't tell a Sue from an Elf, I bet. She probably calls the females _She-Elves_ too, the swotty little bi—"

"_Ohh_-kaay, let's have a toast," Carter interrupted, raising his glass and urging the interns to do the same with his eyes. Shane and Harper quickly raised their glasses as well. "To another successful week of work ..."

"To butterbeer and friends!" Shane said with a wide grin, revealing crooked but white teeth.

"To not having to stock any more deliveries until next month," Harper added, a humourous little gleam in her eyes.

They looked expectantly at Ellie, a mixture of crooked smiles and eye-gleaming and impatient eyebrow-raising, until she sighed and followed suit, a hint of a smile on her face. "And to the idiots we extort money off of. To the Sues!"

"To the Sues!" the group echoed, and downed the last of their drinks, before smacking them with a satisfactory loud _clink_ onto the table's surface.

"Okay, now I'm in a good mood. Mawson, let's have some firewhisky!"

"Shane's still underage, Ellie."

"Oh, please. Mawson is man enough. Come on, guys, a round of the good stuff! Whaddya say?"

"I say you're a bloody idiot, boss."

"I second that motion."

"If you can handle it, boss, I will follow you to the death."

"SHANE!"

"You heard the kid, all your opinions are now irrelevant. ROSMERTA, DRINKS OVER HERE!"

"Dammit, Ellie!"

It wasn't until much later, when the Sue Corps workers had gone through a glass of firewhisky and—after Carter put his foot down—switched back to butterbeer, did they arrive.

Carter noticed them immediately. Only two men around his age, but hard to miss. Especially since one of them was wearing an extraordinarily creepy clown mask.

Actually, the clown-mask bloke looked pretty interesting. The other guy was nothing but a handsome face, so Carter ignored him and focused on mask man.

He looked like a scarecrow, taller than Shane and just as gangly, with elongated arms and legs that flopped loosely at his sides like wet noodles. The mask was well-fitting and covered every feature of his face, except for his large ears and forest of short, fluffy black hair moving every which way except down. The mask itself was of dark, muted colours. Two round, black eyes peered mournfully out at everyone, a single blue teardrop painted on one cheek. The big nose was also of a shade of dull blue, as were the dark lips pulled into a comically exaggerated frown.

Satisfied with his observation to detail, and completely uninterested in what Ellie had to say, Carter spared a glance at the handsome, boring bloke. To his irritation, the man was better looking than he was. Carter wasn't godly, even he would admit that, but he still liked knowing that the Sue Corps customers, annoying as they were, made goo-goo eyes over him. The man had dark, olive-toned skin, a mop of dark hair, and big grey-green eyes. He looked nervous and impatient, eyes roving side-to-side as he scanned the crowd. Only when clown-mask tapped him lightly on the shoulder and leaned forward, as if he was saying something, did the handsome bloke visibly relax and look a bit cheerful.

"What are you looking at, Carter?" Harper asked, looking just as bored of Ellie's ranting as Carter was. She turned around in her seat, trying to catch his line of eyesight.

"See those two over there?" Carter nodded discreetly at the two weirdoes dressed in all black, taking a seat several tables away. "Mighty strange, aren't they?"

Harper leaned back slightly to get a better look. Slowly, she sipped her butterbeer and scrutinized the strangers as they ordered two butterbeers. "Have you ever seen anybody in canon who dressed like that?"

"All black? Definitely. Wearing a mask? Never. Only Death Eaters, but I don't think they would stoop so low as to wear clown masks as disguises."

They were definitely suspicious, despite the amount of strange folk Carter's seen in the Canonspace in general, but they were doing nothing out of the ordinary besides drinking.

"I'll keep an eye on them if you'd like," Harper offered formally, ever the obedient and capable intern. "I think it's best if you watch over boss instead; she's kind of drunk."

Carter wheeled his head back around so fast he almost got whiplash. While he was preoccupied with the newcomers, Ellie had somehow managed to order for herself another glass of firewhisky and stole the rest of Carter's butterbeer. Ellie could kick back several rounds of butterbeer (well, anybody could, really), but she only needed a glass or two of stronger stuff to start buzzing.

"Woah now, El, that's enough," Carter said, gently grabbing her hand when she attempted to call Rosmerta for more drinks. "I think we should head back. What do you say?"

Ellie, thankfully, simply nodded and allowed Shane and Harper to support her as she stood up. "I'm fine," she snapped, sounding strangely lucid. "I can walk on my own."

"I really highly doubt it, boss," said Harper.

"Yes I can," Ellie said more insistently, just before stumbling into a table containing a group of loud, chattering wizard men.

"Hey, keep an eye on her, mate," one of them said to Carter. "She looks a bit too young to go wandering around by herself in this state of sobriety."

"I'll remember that, thanks," said Carter lightly, before going to pay for the drinks.

"And keep her away from The Hogs Head!" Someone called from the table. "Strange folk over there."

At that moment, the door to The Three Broomsticks burst open and someone completely unwelcome walked in.

"Oh no," Carter muttered, sinking in his seat. It was too late, though—she saw them.

"Guys! Hey!" Henrietta Rosanne Ty-Lynch sang, running towards them with all the grace of a Mary Sue, hair flowing out behind her in a sheer curtain of silk and moonshine. As she passed by, other customers became slack-jawed and wide-eyed, and Rosmerta suddenly didn't look so pretty after all.

"A customer?" Harper was hissing behind Carter. "What is she _thinking_?"

Carter was more interested in the sharp glares the strange blokes were giving to the Sue.

"This is great!" Henrietta sang, giggling as soft and sweet as a wind chime. "Hogwarts is soooo fun! I'm the top of the class and everyone loves me and I'm dating George Weasley—"

The two strangers looked up at them.

"Harper, Shane, get Ellie out of here." Carter spoke calmly, but his eyes wandered towards the ring on his middle finger. It was a beautiful ring, a perfectly round and polished red stone set in gold. It was his greatest possession and ultimate weapon.

Ellie, in her drunken state, decided to be a total arse and refuse to cooperate. "Nooo," she whined pitifully.

"Carter, what's going on?" Shane asked, no longer smiling. He was staring at the Sue with a mixture of awe and fear. He hadn't been around Mary Sues long enough to fully become immune to their false beauty.

"Shane, we need to leave," Carter said curtly, reluctantly turning to face the Sue. Henrietta was smiling angelically, clearly hoping to put Carter under her spell as well and gain a new member to her harem.

"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken," he coolly said, brushing her off. "I've never seen you before."

Henrietta pouted, looking put out. "What? But this morning—"

"_We've never met before_," Carter said in a low, dangerous voice. Henrietta shivered and backed away a step, eyes wide and frightened. Carter ignored her and turned back to Shane. "We need to leave now. If Ellie won't cooperate, carry her or knock her out."

"Sorry to interrupt," said a voice, suave and careful. Carter closed his eyes and heaved a sigh, before turning around to face the two men, who had walked up to them while they were distracted.

Henrietta flinched away from them, but seemed to have been caught off guard by the handsome one. "Y-yes?" She fluttered anxiously.

The handsome bloke reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a badge. Carter's heart dropped.

"I am Sebastian Wakely of the Canon Protection Agency, seventh division. You are under arrest for acts of a Sueish nature, for crimes against canon, and for badly-written fanfiction. Punishment may or may not extend to confinement, fees, banishment, and Suecineration."

Henrietta screamed.

Shane, bless his soul, did not hesitate to throw Ellie over his shoulder. Ellie squawked indignantly but made no more protests.

Carter could have kicked himself. He should have known! The all-black uniform, the double-breasted jacket, the general sense of uneasiness around them ... they were CPA, and worse, high-class ones. Seventh division was nothing to laugh at.

The group was halfway to the door when they heard a clicking sound, and Carter found the handsome bloke, Sebastian, was pointing some sort of gun at them.

"None of you move, either," he said. "I have reason to believe you know this Sue and have been helping her. Therefore, I am arresting you four for helping a Mary Sue and being suspected members of the Sue Corporation. We're bringing you back as well. We aren't very picky about who goes into the Suecinerator, really."


	3. Chapter 3

**~SUE CORPS~**

**3**

* * *

The Mary Sue screamed even louder, although for some reason it didn't affect any of the other patrons. Sebastian risked glancing from side to side, noticing how they were all still staring at her with glazed-over eyes.

_The Suefluence_, he thought darkly. The effect Mary Sues have on people. Just being near them can render weaker canon characters into semi-catatonic states of dazed dreaming.

Sebastian's ears were ringing. He could hardly believe his luck. He thought entering the Harry Potter Canonspace for simple Sue Disposal tasks would be the start of his downward spiral into shame and disownment, given all the mistakes he's been making. Yet here they were, four teenagers younger than him, all members of the infamous Sue Corporations. Sebastian knew it would only be a matter of time before they slipped up; indeed, the drunk girl with the disastrous red hair hadn't even bothered to realize the shirt she was wearing contained the Sue Corps logo.

"You can't arrest us," the tall dark-haired one said in a forced calm voice. "We haven't done anything wrong. What, can't a man go get a couple of drinks with his mates?"

"You were talking with the Sue, were you not?" Mortem said.

"I'm not a Sue!" the Mary Sue shrieked from across the room. Everyone ignored her.

"I've never seen her before."

"Look, we both know that's a lie," Sebastian said wearily. "We can spend all day pointing fingers and avoiding the truth, but in the end we have a Sue to flame and one of your 'mates' is wearing a Sue Corps shirt."

"_What?_" the boy turned around and stared at the logo stretched tight over the drunk bird's body. "Dammit, Ellie!"

One of them, a tall but youthful boy, looked rather frightened, and Sebastian almost felt sorry for him. He didn't look any older than sixteen or seventeen. He probably had no idea how evil Sue Corps really was. Young and impressionable teens were always Sue Corps' favourite.

But Sebastian couldn't afford sympathies now. He was CPA, and he was going to prove it!

"Mortem, you deal with the Sue," he said to his friend. "I'll handle this lot."

Mortem shifted a little, scratching at the one spot underneath the band holding the mask to his face that always itched. "You sure? I could handle them if you want. I mean, we don't know what they're capable of."

Sebastian felt a squeezing sensation in his gut, and a hot streak of anger suddenly flared up inside him, catching him off guard. Mortem thought he was weak! Mortem Clarke, his best friend, his brother-in-arms, his confidante … he thought Sebastian couldn't handle them!

Without thinking about it, Sebastian whipped his head around to fully glare at Mortem. "I can handle them fine by my—"

A sudden explosion knocked him off balance, and smoke began to fill the air. The patrons all snapped out of their Sue-induced daze and started screaming, pushing each other to get out of the bar. A few disapparated. Sebastian coughed and swore loudly, swatting at the smoke in front of him. Why did he turn away from the enemy! He's so stupid!

"Sebastian!" Mortem called. "The Sue will run off at this rate!"

Sebastian gritted his teeth. Would he go after the weaker prey, or regain his pride?

The answer was clear to him before he even registered there was an answer in the first place. Pride was nothing. The Canon Protection Agency was everything. His life was merely a tool to achieve the means of the job. The job was law.

And right now, the job wanted that Sue flamed, and damn if he made any more dumb mistakes.

Sebastian turned and sprinted after the Sue. "I'll leave it to you, Mort!"

Mortem held up his Dual Pistols Rule of Canon. "It's so sad," he intoned gravely, and although he was wearing that stupid clown mask Sebastian had a feeling he was keeping a sharp eye on the figures through the smoke. "It's so sad that their fate will end today."

Sebastian ran after the fleeing Mary Sue.

The Sue was tearing through Hogsmeade like the wind, feet bouncing lightly off the road as she moved. That was where Sues always made their first mistake. They tried too hard to be pretty in everything they did, and looking graceful while running for your life is not the best time for that.

Sebastian had no need to look pretty or graceful, and he always scored top marks in athletics during training. He whipped out his Rule of Canon in all its menacing Sawed-Off Shotgun glory, and felt a vindictive pleasure when it revved up. "Let's do this, babe," he said in a hiss. The game was on.

The Sue looked over her shoulder and saw him. Frantically, she pulled out a pure white wand that bloomed several tiny pink flowers. "C-c-_crucio_!"

It was weak-willed and obviously the first spell that popped in her head, but Sebastian suddenly felt searing pain. Sues were so annoying when they didn't follow the rules. He gritted his teeth, raised his Rule of Canon and fired. "Harry Potter Canonspace rules! An inexperienced magic user cannot use Unforgivable Curses properly! And no matter how Sue-ish you may be, you've only just started using magic recently!"

It was a weak attack, but it was still effective. The pain abruptly disappeared, and the sudden loss of magic made the Sue fumble her wand.

"F-fine!" she squeaked. "_Expelliarmus_!"

Sebastian quickly dodged the spell before it blasted his Rule out of his hands. He aimed carefully at the back of the fleeing Sue.

"Harry Potter Canonspace rules," he said. "Muggles have no power over magic! And it doesn't matter _what_ you mask you are wearing right now, you are not a real witch!"

He fired, and the shot went right at the Sue. She screamed in agony and fell forwards, writhing on the ground. Sebastian approached her, and to his relief he saw the white wand melt into a silver puddle and vanish with a light smell of flowers in the air. The Sue was no longer perfect and beautiful, but a small chubby girl with pimples.

"What-what happened?" She cried, staring at her plump hands. She felt her face, then promptly burst into violent tears.

"You're under arrest," Sebastian told the girl firmly. "Now don't cause trouble and the sentence may be light. Tell me your name."

The Not-Sue sniffed loudly. No longer a tragic heroine, her eyes were bright red and puffy and snot dripped from her nose. "I'm Henrietta …" she trailed off when Sebastian sent her a sharp glare. "Um, I mean, I'm Steffie. Stephanie Miller."

"Alright, Steffie. Come with me." Sebastian said, allowing a brief moment of chivalry and offering his hand to help her. Steffie ignored it and toddled back up on her own. Sebastian grudgingly grew a little bit more respect for the girl.

"Are you going to kill me?" She asked, voice breaking. "They said … t-they said you'll take me to the Suecinerator."

"Unfortunately, no," Sebastian said, clapping a small wire ring on Steffie's wrist. "That's for the real Sues. You'll face a heavy fine and maybe some punishment, but we'll let you go back home. This," he pointed at the wire, "is a Suetracker. The name isn't very original; I'm pretty sure you can guess what it's for."

"Better than handcuffs, I suppose," she muttered, picking at the tracker.

"As a Sue, you have powers to evade us," Sebastian told her, calling up twentieth division to take her away. "But nobody can escape from the Canon Protection Agency forever."

A beam of blue light suddenly appeared in the space before them. It cut vertically through, then made a sharp ninety-degree turn horizontal. It made another ninety-degree turn as it went back down, until it resembled a door frame. As Steffie watched in amazed disbelief as the fabric of the universe before them slowly peeled away like old wallpaper to reveal a completely different room, where several agents were waiting.

"B-but how—?" Steffie stammered. Sebastian gently pushed her forwards. "It's just a temporary rip. We fix it afterwards. You might get a bit queasy when you cross, though."

Steffie walked through, trembling madly. Once she entered CPA Headquarters on the other side, she turned to face him, a bit green.

"You said nobody can escape your Agency forever."

The space began to roll back up. Sebastian was startled. "Pardon me?"

"You said nobody can escape." Steffie's eyes were wide, tears dry, and Sebastian realized there was no malice in her voice, no anger. She wasn't saything this to rile him up, she was just pointing out a fact. All the same, Sebastian felt the tiny dark hairs on the back of his neck rise, and his arms began to feel prickly. "So why is that Sue store still around?"

The rip had rolled up so far he could only see the top of her head.

"Those people that sold me the stuff. How come they can escape then?"

Sebastian opened his mouth angrily, but the rip closed before he could figure out what to say. He stared at the spot where the rip had been previously, but it was nothing but air and wind and strangers hurrying along Hogsmeade roads.

"They won't escape," he said aloud, not caring if anyone looked at him strangely. "They _won't_—Mort's there—he'll get them—he _will_—"

But even as he struggled to spit the words out he felt a strange chill of foreboding spread in his bones. He hurried back to the Three Broomsticks, Rule of Canon at the ready.

"Mortem!" He called out. "Mortem!"

The smoke had finally cleared away, and the extent of the damage was clear. Several tables and chairs were blasted to splinters, and the bar was riddled with holes as big as a man's fist. Most of the windows were broken. Sebastian had to quickly duck out of the way as a furious Rosmerta stomped around, fixing everything with a wave of her wand.

"Fights—in my bar? I don't think so!" She raved. "Customers gone! It'll take hours to clean up!"

"Pardon me," Sebastian began hesitantly. "But is my friend still —"

"You better expect a complaint to the CPA," shouted Rosmerta, pointing her wand threateningly at Sebastian's face. "Was it necessary to blow up my shop for one measly Sue?"

"It wasn't us, though," Sebastian explained, but she was already walking away, muttering angrily under her breath.

"I'm here, Seb," came the low, morose voice. Relieved, Sebastian followed the sound tp its source; Mortem was sitting with his back against the counter, dust layering his black hair like dandruff.

"What happened?" Sebastian looked around for anyone else, but besides Rosmerta there was no one left. "Where did they go?"

"Gone," Mortem sighed. "How sad."

"What do you mean, gone?"

"Those Sue Corps kids were … unexpected, to say the least." Mortem fell silent and picked at the paint on his mask. Sebastian briefly wondered if Mortem ever took it off to repaint it, then brought himself back to his senses.

"Unexpected how?" Sebastian asked, frustrated. His partner was just so _moody_. Sometimes Mortem would just clamp his mouth shut and be depressing and stuffy and whiny, like a teenager going through a rebellious emo phase. Thank _God_ Sebastian left the Earthspace before that happened to him.

"That boy, the brown-haired one in the sweater vest and collared shirt. He had a GrammerBad."

"No! You're _joking_." That was impossible; how could that skinny, bumbling bloke own a weapon like that? Even the CPA had trouble claiming any, mostly since after The Incident of 2006 the Council of Canon had unanimously voted to illegalize all makings of the weapon. It was an incredibly difficult piece of work, mostly succeeding to just rip open the Fabric of Canon and threaten to collapse the entire Canonspace. If used correctly and in the hands of a competent person, however, they were insanely useful hacking devices; not only able to use bad grammar and spelling as attacks, but able to hack the Reality Code of a fandom's Canonspace and change the very foundation of that world.

If one was in the hands of someone on the side of Sues … that would be very bad, indeed.

"It was that ring on his finger—the gaudy old-fashioned one. If I had been even three seconds too late, it saddens me to say that my weapons would have been useless." Mortem lifted up one of his pistols and appeared to stare at it. "How dreadfully sad. The only weapons that can work against Sues are rendered obsolete almost instantly by something like a Grammerbad."

"What happened next, Mort?"

"Well, I obviously started to shoot the bejezus out of them. That stopped the Grammerbad bloke—he was preoccupied with getting those other kids to safety. The other kids—the blonde and the Hispanic—I don't think they had any fighting experience."

"There were four," Sebastian pointed out, remembering the unfortunate ginger one. "What about that drunk bird?"

"Oh, she was the one that got them all out," Mortem gave a bitter, humourless chuckle. "She had something on her wrist, a bracelet of some sort. She grabbed them and did something to it and the next thing I know, there's a flash of blue light and they're gone. What do you make of that, Seb?"

Sebastian thought hard, secretly pleased his partner was looking to him this time. "Well," he said slowly, "it couldn't have been a Gateway, else we'd know. It may have been a Sue Portal or something—but you said there was blue light, and that doesn't match any of the descriptions of past Portals we archived—wait, blue light? What kind of blue?"

Mortem paused, then said "Like the blue light when we make a rip and open a Gateway. A crossing across space, time, and reality itself, the blue of the Multiverse …"

He trailed off and looked up. He and Sebastian met gazes; well, Sebastian was pretty sure they were, god he hated that mask. They said it together: "Plot Hole."

"That's the only explanation," Sebastian said rather excitedly. He began to pace about, letting his mouth bullet through with his thoughts. "The blue light of a Gateway, a portal to cross Canonspaces and worlds and universes! A Plot Hole! A weapon specially designed to create temporary Gateways and transport the user anywhere within the Canonspace—and, if powerful enough, maybe to different Canonspaces too!"

"Seb, I know all of this," Mortem said. "Why are you telling me again?"

"Because someone listening in might not!" Sebastian threw his hands up into the air. "But _how_? _How_ did that girl get a Plot Hole? And one powerful enough to transport multiple users? And _drunk_, too! Just _what_ is going on with Sue Corps, Mort? We never knew they had such dangerous weapons! Never!"

"We never knew …" Mortem muttered. "Or maybe we were never told."

They stared at each other again, hopefully (okay, Sebastian really hated that mask).

"You don't think …?"

"Would the Boss …?"

"She would have told."

"If she wanted to cause a riot. Imagine what would happen if they hear news of GrammerBads in Sue Corps. The agents would uproar."

"So let's schedule another little family reunion with your aunt." Mortem rose to his feet and dusted himself off, sending a shower of dust and little wood chips to the ground. "And we should talk to Lisa."

"Lisa? As in, Lisa Linford?"

"If Sue Corps owns more than just _one_ GrammerBad and Plot Hole, like, say they owned an army of them, who better to ask for help to eliminate the issue than our resident Multidust genius?" Mortem tilted his head and sent what Sebastian assumed was a knowing look at him. "She'll do it. She fancies you."

"I would really love to not talk about this please." Sebastian felt his neck start to flush red.

"Alright, just saying." Mortem looked around. "Do you think we could get another glass of Butterbeer or—"

"GET OUT!"

* * *

**A/N: Mortem, are you crazy? Don't ask an angry Rosmerta for more drinks ...**


	4. Chapter 4

**~SUE CORPS~**

**4**

* * *

Ellie woke up with a mild hangover and a very sore left arm. She frowned at the small burn marks on her wrist, rubbing them. They didn't really hurt anymore.

The shop served as the Trotter siblings' home, with rooms and a kitchen in the back near the storage area. It was small and cramped, and required Ellie to share a bunk bed with Harper, but it's been her home for almost two years now and she had grown to forgive the small details.

Although she didn't like having to deal with sharing a bathroom with the boys.

Carter had cooked everyone breakfast by the time she dragged herself out of bed and entered the kitchen. Harper and Shane were muttering to each other, but stopped abruptly when they saw Ellie.

"You okay, boss?" Shane asked, rather nervously.

"Fine," Ellie grunted, sliding into her assigned stool at the counter (they never actually assigned stools, but she claimed it anyway). Carter gave her a plate of toast, eggs and sausages. They had already cooled, but weren't bad. For a while, everyone watched Ellie eat.

Finally, Carter cleared his throat. "Ellie, we should probably talk about last night."

Ellie scowled. "What is there to talk about?"

"If I may," Harper said quietly, "it probably wasn't the most prudent of ideas to wear our uniforms so casually in the Canonspace like that. We should be more careful."

Shane nodded quickly beside her.

There was another short pause. Ellie finally said "Look, so we were in a tight spot at the Three Broomsticks. Hell, maybe we could have been in danger. But we got away, and we'll probably never see them again. What's the deal?"

"The deal," said Carter, "is that Shane and Harper could have been killed."

"That bloke with the mask had guns, boss!" cried Shane, waving his arms about in agitation and nearly upsetting Harper's coffee. "They were real, too!"

"They wouldn't have killed us," Ellie said loftily. "Sue Corps members alive are thousands of times more valuable than if they were dead. If they were real bullets, then it was just a distraction to stop Carter from using his GrammerBad."

"Yeah, and it bloody worked, Ellie!" Carter snapped, then softened. "Look, those guys were awfully strange. They could handle their Rules of Canon like pros. They were definitely not anything above Twelfth. They were probably eight, maybe lower. Why were top ranked CPA agents hanging about?"

Ellie thought for a moment; for once her frown was serious instead of grumpy. "Tell you what," she finally said, pushing aside her plate. "We stay in the shop and keep our heads down for a bit. In here, we're safe. We'll only enter the fandom if we really need to."

"And will you swear off the Firewhisky?" Carter asked in a steely voice.

Ellie scowled.

"Ellie …"

"Fine, fine!" She snapped, standing up and draining her cup of green tea. "No more firewhisky! What are you bozos standing around here for? We have a shop to run!"

The interns quickly raced to the shop to take inventory of what they needed to restock. Carter stayed calm.

"Ells, this may get serious," he said quietly, nervously fiddling with his GrammerBad ring. "We've never been attacked by CPA Agents this powerful before. Should we report to the Bored?"

Ellie shook her head. "The Bored Corporation won't do anything. They're too busy with their Super Secret Project of Secrecy."

The Super Secret Project of Secrecy was secretly put into practice eleven years ago to no one's knowledge. The very nature of the project was unknown and the whole affair was spoken of to no one, save members of the Bored in monthly meetings. Even then, they wrote to each other on pieces of paper before swallowing it, not saying anything about it aloud.

Naturally, the whole of Sue Corps knew.

"Well, alright," Carter said, taking Ellie's half-finished plate and cleaning it up. "How's your arm?"

Ellie flexed it. "Not bad. Just a little achy." Plot Holes were excrutiatingly difficult to control and often enjoyed causing its user serious pain if they were physically and mentally susceptible. Ellie learned that the hard way when she tried to teleport into Middle-earth and almost broke her arm.

Carter shook his head at her (it's not like his GrammerBad was any better) as the two walked through the tiny hallway that separated their living and work areas. They entered the shop … to complete and utter chaos.

Blonde-haired Desdemonda von Ricardo Malfoy was screaming at the two interns, who were cowering by the hair product aisle. Rather, Shane was cowering, while Harper stood her ground; but Ellie could detect her slight flinches.

Carter's face turned as red as a cherry—their mother's Scottish side showed on their fair faces whenever they were angry, and by god was he _furious_.

"What's going on here?" He bellowed, storming up the aisle. Desdemonda jumped and looked a little abashed, but she quickly became angry again.

"I should be asking that question!" She shrieked back. "You assholes killed Steffie!"

"Who in the name of Merlin's left testicle is _Steffie_?"

"Henrietta Rosanne Ty-Lynch, who else?" Desdemonda yelled, before promptly bursting into noisy, rainbow-coloured tears. "You said we'd be Suecinerated and now she has been! You got her killed! She's probably being flamed to death now thanks to you scammers!"

"Whoa!" Ellie finally became motivated enough to jump into the fray. Her orange-red eyebrows (the same hideous shade as her hair) knitted together. "Those're fighting words, broad! Nobody insults our proffession, you get me?"

"I don't care!" Desdemonda shouted, bursting into a fresh bout of tears all over again. "The CPA took Steffie and now she's dead! She was my friend! My best friend!"

"That wasn't our fault," Shane protested in a shaky voice. "She came up to us out of working hours and in the Canonspace. She violated Acts 17 and 134 in the Legal Laws of Legality and Illegality of Sue Corporations, so we're technically not responsible for—"

"Shut up! _Avada kedavra_!" Desdemonda shot the spell out of a pure black wand. Shane pulled Harper to the ground, and the shot hit the shelves behind them. The shelf and all the products on it exploded in a mess of glass shards, scented soap flakes, flower petals, and rainbow glitter. Shane managed to protect Harper from the catastrophe, but not himself. He keeled over, howling in pain and covered in glitter all down his hair and back.

"I've been hit! Boss! I've been hit by the Sue chemicals! I'm dying!"

"Don't be melodramatic, Shane," Carter said, brushing some of it off. "It's just normal glitter. Ellie only told you it was toxic to make sure you wouldn't mess around."

Ellie wasn't listening to anything they were saying. Her own face began to glow red with anger, although under her pallid face and the light it looked a bit orange. It made her look like a gigantic cheeto.

"NOT MY STORE, YOU BITCH!" She howled, taking out her Plot Hole. "Carter! Shane! Stop wanking off back there and help me take her down!"

"You can't stop me!" Desdemonda screamed, waving her wand threateningly. "I am Voldemort's illegitimate daughter born from him and a raped slave, and Heiress of Slytherin! I am the adopted daughter of the Malfoys! Snape is a mere servant compared to the trust and power Voldemort gives me! I am—ugh!"

Desdemonda's rant was cut short by Shane, who gave her a good kick in the stomach and sent her flying. She staggered back to her feet, spitting blood. "How did you …? I am invincible!"

"No, you're not," Shane declared, balancing his gravity and making a stance not unlike one in karate. "Back on Earthspace, before I became an intern, I learned Non-Ca-Non Mixed Martial Arts at a Multiverse community centre for more than eight years. It doesn't matter what you are—you could be God for all I care. But with Non-Ca-Non, I can kick your ass downtown! Also, using rape of any kind as a backstory to make you seem more evil or sympathetic is disgusting! Talk about bad writing!"

"You tell her, Shane!" Carter said, helping Ellie clean up the mess. Ellie seemed to be almost in tears. "It's okay, big guy," she said, stroking the floor. "We'll fix up your shelves. You'll be just the same!"

"You're not going to help me?" Shane squeaked, all the confidence draining away.

"I'm cheering for you," Harper said, flicking away some glitter caught on her sleeve with a look of distaste. "Goooo, Shane Mawson."

"Harper! You could at least—augh!"

Shane was caught off guard by Desdemonda, who shot an attack that threw him across the store. Shane hid in the aisles and snuck a punch at her, which she managed to dodge. This Suethor was smart enough to realize that a shield spell wouldn't work with Non-Ca-Non. It became a ridiculously terrifying game of attack and dodge, with neither opponent capable of blocking the blow and forced to resort to running away.

Harper, who had already lost interest, was helping Ellie restock the shelves. Carter was massaging his suddenly stiff fingers and grumbling; only Ellie would force him to use his GrammerBad to recode the shelf back to its original state.

"Carter, boss! A little help—please—would be great—" Shane gasped.

"Go on, Carter," Ellie said, yawning. "We can't have her messing up the shop any longer."

"Or hurting our interns," Carter said with a gruesome scowl, once again twisting his GrammerBad. The ring glowed a soft blue (the same colour as Gateways and Plot Holes, incidentally), and a holographic screen containing flowing words and punctuation appeared. It had a very Matrix theme to it; which made sense, considering the foundations for Multiverse coding (and therefore, Grammerbads themselves) originally came from the Matrix Canonspace.

"Let's see," Carter muttered, eyes roaming the screen. He had a natural talent for coding. Ellie was able to make out _wearingamostpeculiarexpression:itwasasthough_ before giving up.

His fingers began to twitch, and suddenly pieces of the code began to glow and rearrange themselves, or disappear entirely.

"Take out those consonants and add an 'x'," Carter muttered to himself, fingers spasming along as the code bipped and glowed. "Switch that with a period—but NO capital. Ooh, what a nice contraction; I think I'll mispell it."

"Booooossss!" Shane wailed a couple aisles down. Nobody paid him much attention.

"Alright, let's see, coding coding coding …" Ellie noticed that Carter's eyes were starting to glow the same blue colour, and shivered. That happened sometimes, and it was never a very pretty sight. Eyes that change colour never look good unless a Sue did it.

"Ah, I've got it." A sinister smile appeared on Carter's face. "I think Professor McGonagall will say … 'Desdemonda von Ricardo Malfoy loved her friends too much: her heart exploded from the angst.'" His fingers jerked as if typing on a keyboard, and Ellie watched the split-second timing as a sentence was erased and rewritten. Carter paused and added "'Literally.'"

There was a second of calm. Then Ellie heard a sickening wet _splat_ in the eyedrops aisle, followed by Shane's horrified exclamation of "_Ewww_, that's nasty! I got it all over me!"

"I'll take it from here," Ellie said with a small frown. "Such a shame. I hate having to kill customers."

"Can't be helped," Carter said loftily, grimacing at his fingers. They were red and raw, as if he spent hours in the cold. "She would've destroyed our shop."

"Yes, but … she wasn't a real Sue, Carter. She was human. She probably had a family."

"People die in Earthspace all the time, Ells," Carter said, as Harper and Shane (covered in gore) hurried to get a mop and bucket. "For god's sake, people kill each other like animals down there! She's just one more casualty in the Multiverse's circle of life. Plenty of Mary Sues will take her place."

Ellie was still reluctant, but she nodded. "I'll ask Sue Corps to hack a Gateway for us then," she said, picking up her cell phone and calling a number. "The least we could do is return her body to her family."

* * *

Somewhere far away, sitting in a cell buried miles underground (or underspace would be a better word for it), Steffie Miller looked up as a sudden, painful prick shot through her body.

"Jess?" She whispered.

* * *

**Miss Instant Noodles: Thanks to everyone who actually reads this story. ^^ And sorry for the long wait! For some reason, I just couldn't manage my stories. I uploaded this chapter on the Doc Manager just fine, but it would completely crash the second I try to manage my stories X(**

**This chapter was a bit more serious than the others. I suppose there's no real excuse for Carter and Ellie's actions (they do, after all, work with Sues). The only possible explanation for their cold-heartedness would probably be that they've lived on their own in the Multiverse for so long, they forget concepts of humanity back on Earthspace.**

**Just in case nobody knew about it, all the characters do in fact originate from Earthspace. There may be some from other Canonspaces, but not often.**


End file.
